FORGIVENESS... WHAT THE HECK!

Dear Ethyl...
So...... Forgiveness is HARD!  I know, I know.  It's always been hard and it always will be hard, but seriously... It's soooo hard!!  The Lord commands us to forgive. So I try to be obedient.  I know it's for my own sake, I know it will make me feel better, and I know it's not my job to see justice done and punish the offending party...Dang it!!  I know I need to show mercy if I want any shown to me.  I know exactly what I should do and why I should do it.  SO WHY CAN'T I?  My head is willing, but my heart folds it's arms and stamps it's foot and glares me in the eye and says...MAKE ME!
I hate it when that happens!  It's easy to forgive when someone comes to you and apologizes for hurting you, but unfortunately that doesn't really happen all that often.  More often than not, there is no apology and therefore no resolution of the conflict so it is left to wander around in your mind and torment you like a bad toothache.  The bad thing is that when I refuse to forgive, I'm the one who keeps getting wounded over and over and over again.  This past week I finally got tired of being angry and holding out for an apology.  Anger is painful and it takes a lot of my energy.  It's not me.  It's not who I am inside.  I am not a mean person.  Not for long periods of time, anyway.  It's hard when you go to battle against yourself.  So I threw in the towel and hoisted the surrender flag.  I give up!  This war has been too hard on me. Somebody's gotta make the first move. So I apologized for being angry and for hurting someone's feelings and for not forgiving the party for months.  Then I repented for not forgiving and being angry, told the Lord I took the first step and asked Him to supply the feelings of charity that are supposed to go with it ( That are not there, not even close yet) But....  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of my life.  I feel like the old me again.  I can do favors for this person, I can say kind things when I am around them and I can smile.  Maybe the Lord is starting to supply the feelings after all?  Who knows?   Someday, I will get tired of being angry right at the beginning so I can skip the ugly middle part and move right into letting it go and getting on with my life.  What a wonderful thought....