Monday, October 1, 2012

CAN SOMEONE ELSE BE IN CHARGE?

Dear Ethyl...
This is a short post all about frustration. My frustration to be exact!  I figured  out that it's just me lacking skills. I hate it when that happens! As the mom I try to coordinate schedules so we can have family time. It's almost impossible.  I don't even really have room to complain because our family is relatively small so it should be pretty easy OR I shouldn't be complaining because I have a family that loves each other and likes to be together.  Here is my hang up... I still have people issues. Not like I used to, mind you, I am improving a lot, but I have them all the same. Way down deep inside I am still a kid and still feel abandoned, forgotten and unloved.  I do pretty well most of the time because I am so blessed and have such a good life and a loving husband and wonderful kids!  But alas, (I love using that word) the evil monster still rears its ugly head way too often. It feels like I just chase people for their time and attention. I guess that's what happens when I am more social than a lot of other people.  Sometimes it just gets tiring doing all the chasing. Sometimes I want to be the one who is chased. Sometimes I want people to try to figure out their schedules so they can be with me.  I'm not quite sure what that feels like, but I'm sure it would be wonderful!  I am a 45 year OLD woman and I thought I would have worked through this by now. A friend of mine called it being mature when you can let go of that. I guess I haven't arrived at maturity yet. :o)
Dang the humanness of it all!!
 I want to have fun. I want everyone to have fun. Fun is important to me because it means love and closeness and good memories.  We didn't do anything with family really growing up and I didn't realize it was so hard to have fun and be close and keep families close. I also didn't realize that I would be the one doing the work.  It's good work and I would choose this over any other kind of work, and I guess anything worth having is worth working for.
This post it sounding an awful lot like a pity party so it's time to wrap it up... the party's over!
Nothing has been solved and I still don't have a plan worked out with my family this week.  I think I need to relax a little more and be more like Will and  wait until the very last minute before I make any plan at all.  It seems to work for him and he's NEVER frustrated! That's never been my personality, but I'm willing to try something new.  I also need to practice being like Jes who is better at making a plan and inviting people, and if they come they come and if they don't they don't.  It really doesn't bother her. She's my hero!
Someday it's not going to bother me either!  And until then.. I guess I'll just keep practicing!
PS....  Heavenly Father whispered to me a couple of days later that I've been living the law... An Eye for an Eye   In my mind.  That's why i am upset a lot.  So... I'm ready to stop doing that and I'm so glad it finally has a name so I can deal with it.

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